A Joint House-Senate Ethics Committee today concluded that hundreds of members of Congress regularly use a wide range of performance reducing drugs. In order to support their habits, members have been known to ask for money from trade associations, pharmaceutical companies, corporations and even each other.
Homeland Security confirms that the recent hijacking of a Counter Intelligence Airlines (CIA) flight, the agency’s charter service to interrogation facilities around the world, was the work of a disgruntled employee. Citing “3 years without a vacation”, the agent decided to divert the plane to a Club Med site on Varadero Beach in Cuba instead of Guantanamo Bay.
On a similar note, a group of American tourists is filing suit against the Department of Injustice claiming “unlawful detention”. It seems that the group mistakenly boarded a CIA flight for what they thought would be a sunny, fun-filled holiday in Marrakesh and instead ended up naked and shackled to the walls of an underground cell in Sole, Morocco, a secret CIA interrogation center.
After years of denial, North Korea proclaimed that it has been developing nuclear weapon capabilities, prompting other nations to come forward with their own revelations. Nigeria says its entire national budget comes from those letters asking strangers to open bank accounts. Yoko Ono was a mole planted by Japan in 1965 to break up The Beatles. Theresa May and Angela Merkel admitted that they are indeed the US’s pet poodles. The New York Times confessed it is, in fact, part of the elitist press and there really is no liberal mainstream media in the United States. The State Department acknowledged that the US is on its list of “rogue nations”.
Caught up in the spirit of international forthrightness, President Trump has conceded that he is an incompetent half-wit who is letting the United States be run by a consortium of Fortune 500 CEOs.
The Trump Administration has denied reports that war almost broke out in January because Super Bowl pyrotechnics confused the President and he wanted to attack Iran in retaliation.
President Trump, in a major policy speech last night announced the Syria Exit Strategy. “We will go through Iran,” he said proudly.
Ever since the Secretary of State has announced Iraq would get free health care and education, the US Embassy has been inundated by thousands of US citizens applying for immigration status there.
The US has denied that Norway has been put on the Pentagon’s list of the next invasion site due to its oil-rich nation status.
President Donald Trump will travel to Moscow later this year to receive Russia’s “Back in the USSR Award” from his old friend and idol, Vlad Putin. The award is given to countries that best reflect the values of the USSR in both practice and spirit. Especially practice. This year’s award is given to the USA for the following accomplishments:
- no opposition party
- spending $254 million to produce propaganda and faux videos masquerading as authentic news releases
- the Pravda-like TV stations that gladly broadcast these stories because they’re too lazy or afraid to do their own research
- the Pravda-like fairandbalanced network Faux, oops I mean FOX News
- the corporate-owned media that have successfully parlayed Pravda-like gossip, innuendo, rumor, half-truths, and outright lies into hugely profitable empires
- for this quote during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect, December 18, 2016: “If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier…just as long as I’m the dictator.”
- tossing ordinary citizens into the gulag for being
- a Soviet style electoral system
- the trampling of civil liberties
- stacking the courts with partisan, corporate judges
- maximum security with minimum opposition
- vetting questions in advance at press conferences or planting fake reporters in the audience
- having real reporters ask puffball questions, get along by going along, and exchange investigation and independence for access and success
Trump said that while highly honored to get this award, his eye is really on China’s “You Want Rice with that Democracy?” award. He explained, “I really admire their unique system with its fascinating blend of runaway capitalism, communist oppression and cheap labor and my Administration is doing its best to head the US in that direction.”