The Mouthpiece

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International News

Polish President Andrzej Duda returned from a triumphant trip to the US, citing his 3 second meeting with President Obama as proof that Poland is considered an important player in the international arena. Photos showing Obama pushing him out of the way  as the US President rushed past to greet President Xi Jinping of China were misinterpreted Duda insisted. “That wasn’t a push. It was the scheduled meeting. It was my shoulder. He was patting my shoulder like close friends do,” Duda whined.

Law and Justice Party strongman, Jarosław Kaczynski, has offered to reveal the secret of the Holy Trinity if the European Union includes that Jesus is the King of Europe in the  EU Constitution.

LG, the Korean electronic giant, with its world headquarters in Wroclaw, Poland, reacted to its Polish workers refusal to accept its latest pay package of $300 a month by importing workers from China.

Cuba and Argentina welcome Obama. President Obama expressed surprise at the passionate enthusiasm showed him during last week’s trip to countries in Latin America. “See”, he told the FAUX, oops, I mean, the FOX reporter accompanying him in his helicopter flyovers. “Look at all those Latins who have free time to come out and see me. I told you NATFA is working and so will the TPP.

Israel admits that is has been looking to relocate the entire country to a safer area. A spokesman has confirmed that they have been offered large areas in the US owned by Donald Trump near the Mexican border. They said they were able to get an excellent price because Israel comes with its own security fence. In addition, American corporations see a golden opportunity and are lining up for prime advertising space on the Israeli Wall that separates them from the Palestinians. Disney has already revealed its first ad:

Hey Arabs! Can’t go to Israel? Come to Disneyland instead!”

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(S)ELECTION 2016

Allegations have recently surfaced of a secret government program called “Project TalkingHeads” where leading presidential candidates are actually robots. Inquiry is focusing heavily on the chillingly machine­ like Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. Cruz  is said by some investigators to have been created from scratch in “a highly monocultural, monolingual, fundamentalist lab deep in Texas.” They deny that Bernie Sanders seems to have gone rogue and is out of their control. However, investigators say his insistent and increasingly fiery commentary denouncing growing class inequality and poverty in the U.S. was “inconsistent with the ideological profile the Project’s directors were likely working with.

At a $10,000 a plate Republican tent revival in Virginia last night, Ted Cruz promised the snake handlers in attendance that he would do his best to ring in Armageddon if he is elected.

Cruz also promises that if he is elected he will  sign the Pre­Pubescent Patriot Act that will require that SIGNS THAT YOUR PARENTS SECRETLY HATE AMERICA posters be put up in all public schools. Your parents hate America if:

Mommy or Daddy talk about “things being better” before

You have two Mommies or two Daddies.

Mommy or Daddy talk about something called “the popular vote”

Mommy or Daddy cover their heads and pray in  a weird language

Presidential candidate Donald Trump was shaken but unharmed in a brush with reality this afternoon near a campaign stop in Wisconsin. Quick acting secret service agents were able to shield him from the fast moving burst of truth and avert any injury. The incident took place when the driver of the his car inadvertently came close enough to a group of protesters for Trump to read their signs. Not understanding the risk involved, he started reading the words on the sign aloud, but agents quickly blocked his view and the car sped away.

Hillary Clinton interrupted her campaign to accept the Best Opposition Party award on behalf of the Democratic Party. It, like all the bills the party has passed so far, is purely decorative and non-binding.

Bernie Sanders has announced if does not get the nomination for President, he will accept the Presidency of the Other America. Under the terms of the plan, Mr. Sanders would be called ‘President of America Deux (America II), and would report to the Prime Minister of Denmark. He will still be allowed to live in his modest house in Vermont

US News

In a surprise showing, the United States swept the competition at the WorldPolice State Olympics in the former Soviet Republic of Moldova. The U.S. took four gold and three silver medals in a variety of events, earning the country the coveted Silencing Dissent award. Competing with some of the most experienced police states in the world like Belarus and Turkmenistan, the US showed that it could can break down doors, shoot into crowds and brutalize captives along with the best of them.

The American teams took the gold in fatal chokeholds, humiliating the helpless, wanton destruction of property and screaming epithets. The U.S. came in second in for disregard for human life, water boarding and concussions. The teams thanked Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her enthusiasm, encouragement, CIA funding and tips during the training sessions. President Barack Obama told reporters in Washington that, “This shows that the U.S. Constitution is no longer a barrier to a real police state. However, I think we remain the freest, most democratic police state in the world.”

Meanwhile, British trustees of the George Orwell estate yesterday announced that they intend to sue the Obama Administration over copyright infringements related to the George Orwell book, 1984, a novel about a futuristic police state. Lawyers have compared Orwell’s novel, 1984, with a number of laws passed by the Obama Administration in the past eight years and concluded there are great swathes of text that have simply been copied and adopted as policy, far too much to be just a coincidence.  Obama, in a press conference in the newly renovated room 101, commented, ”I have no idea what these Proles are talking about. The policy of the Obama Administration is, war on terror is peace, freedom is slavery and ignorance is strength.”

 

 

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